Oh Hinge.

 

“You are absolutely gorgeous…” What exactly did he mean by that? Was he taunting me? It was an aggressive opening line in my opinion. Not a lot of room to go up from there in terms of being complementary and at the same time, ominously generic. “Absolutely gorgeous” falls on the extreme end of the continuum of the proverbial ugliness to prettiness spectrum. It's like an 11 on a scale of 1 to 10. As in, she's/he’s a regular 6, drunk 7 - (high five if you got the 30 Rock reference).  I was immediately skeptical. Absolutely gorgeous belongs to women like Catherine Zeta-Jones and women with figures like Betty Boop and faces so symmetrical they emulate harmonious and beautiful proportion and balance, just as the definition says it does.  This skepticism may have been rooted in my previous experience of being played by a tall handsome Persian man who used words like that, but this guy was different. He touted his Christianity on his chest, his forearm, and around his neck. It wasn’t subtle. The part of self within me (we’ll call her Shelia for the sake of practicality) who is a sucker for a tall hunk of handsome spoke up, “he’s Christian, he has good values, a man of God, just go for it.” So I did. I literally witnessed Shelia’s curiosity steamroll what I call the deep down knowing or intuition. I already knew where that road would go, but Shelia’s will took over and my right thumb flicked horizontally to the right. Just like that, tall, white and Christian and I had proclaimed our physical attraction to at least the primary photo of each other.  I often think about what it would be like if we just told people what we were thinking. I was at the park the other day and a guy ran by. He was Very. Good. Looking. I wanted to tell him I thought so. It came from a place of simplicity, there was nothing more to it than the fact that my eyeballs took in his appearance, and what I saw was legitimately very. good. looking. Depending on what mood I’m in, I am usually open about telling people what I think. In my recent history (i.e. after getting divorced and being in my mid 30s ) that has changed, I’ve noticed people get weird even when I say hello. I’ve started to play a version of a game that my brother and I used to play when we lived in California and we were bored while driving. We would roll through radio stations until we found a mariachi station. With each new song that came on, we would count the seconds until the accordions kicked in. I don't think we ever counted past 7 seconds. These days, the game is to strike up a normal, how is the weather conversation with a male and start counting, one one thousand, two one thousand, three one thousand...until, like clockwork, mention of a girlfriend, wife or partner white rabbited into the conversation. No segway, no tangent, no association and yet, forced in, worked in, weaseled in, my (insert label) does boot camp or likes oranges, or has perfect feet.  I started to wonder if I had a look of desperation or if I inadvertently put on a t-shirt that said “Seeking Someone Taken” subtitle, “desperate and lonely” written in not so small font below, “disrespects boundaries and will show up unannounced” on the back, but cute, like asymmetrical on the bottom right side of the shirt, probably in white, with the font in all caps. Then I remembered I don’t wear t-shirts (I don’t like material in my arm pits, tanks and sweatshirts only, please and thank you.)  so that probably wasn’t the problem. It's amazing how words can deliver completely different meanings depending on who delivers them and who receives them. Back to my point though. I would like to be able to tell people how beautiful they are (male and female alike) without people thinking I have an ulterior motive or agenda. I think it’s people like “absolutely gorgeous” who ruin the opportunity to make innocent proclamations based on simple observance and opinion for the rest of us. At worst, it is interpreted as a threat, at mildly better than worse, fodder to lure in the vulnerable for another’s personal gain. We the people have ruined opportunities for witnessing and acknowledging beauty in ourselves and others. It's a freaking shame.  So, Sheila is bought in, she’s in control of not only the right thumb but also the nine other digits that work together to spread words for the purpose of good and love in the world. Deep down says fuckit, Sheila hasn’t had a lesson in awhile and the volume gets turned down as Sheila begins to rifle through the roughly 67,000,000 possible combinations of letters to formulate an appropriate response that is open, respectful, playful, light, genuine, and sincere. I don't think there were any rough drafts with the response I came up with for TWCM, yes, I rough draft responses on dating sites, I just realized I might be too verbose; they should give me a character limit. “You are absolutely gorgeous, what are you looking for on this site?” felt like the workings of an unimaginative but possibly sweet and sincere offer; though Deep Down bristled at the naivete of Sheila. Open, respectful, playful, light, genuine and sincere landed on “Why thank you, you’re not so bad looking yourself. I’m not sure yet, how about you?” Unimaginative, sweet and sincere; as the saying goes, meet ‘em where there at (that might just be something I say).  Shelia directed the right thumb to throw the hail mary to the unknown and the anticipation of response from this handsome fellow settled like a pink cloud laced with delusion and anxiety. Each particle dancing with the other, culminating in a not altogether unpleasant distraction from the here and now of the real world.  SHEBANG, the little red circle notificaion that defines the fate of our lives these days appeared in the upper right corner of the app.  Tall, white and Christian hit me with “how about 9 inches?”  Que mild upset and confusion. Upset stemming from not understanding why I was offended; should I, as a person who opted to sign up for a dating app be more comfortable with an offer of a nine inch schlong from a person I’ve never met? Was I too prude? What was wrong with me that I was offended by this transmission? Then came confusion, why was this my problem? Why was I blaming myself for not being able to hold space for this man who is obviously a product of what have become the social norms of online dating.  I decided to do what women do and took a screenshot and sent it to 30 of my closest friends. I actually only sent it to a small handful because, if you can believe it, I was embarrassed for him and for some reason wanted to protect him. The response was overwhelming. One girlfriend said, “delete, delete, DELETE!” The next, just the brain exploding and barfing emojis. I didn’t send anything but the exchange; I didn’t disclose my reaction, it was the closest thing I could do to attempt a control group for unbiased qualitative data.  I then went into work and promptly shared with two female coworkers who I respect; one of whom is a brilliant, beautiful woman who has a flair of justifiable man hate that runs like a raging river through her veins due to a traumatic history with men. I showed her the exchange and she espoused her support for a direct and somewhat brutal rebuff that could potentially include reference to THE VERY DEFINTION of sexual harassment, “unwelcome sexual advances” and or some education about how to treat women with respect. I felt a huge wave of relief come over me, it wasn't me, there was nothing with me. It was at that moment that I understood why I was offended. She said, “nothing about your profile or the pictures in it even mildly suggest that you are looking for sex, nothing you said in your respose to him invited that kind of response.” I was so grateful for knowledge and her strength, her fierce love cut through the bullshit in my head. Until that moment, I was blaming myself for not being sexually open or evolved enough to happily receive a written illustration of a nine inch penis by surprise.  My response to the offer became more unsettling than the message itself. What kind of messages are floating around our heads and ears about sex and sexualtiy: what is good, what is bad, what is appropriate or inappropriate and most importantly, how we should or shouldn’t be? I’m not going to go down that road because it's a massive topic that deserves more than nine inches of Ariel size ten font (My personal recommendation is to Read Come As You Are by Emily Nagowski if you want to pursue this topic further). So it shall suffice to say, this interaction was evidence that I unknowingly had become a victim of the messages of how I should be: Namely; open to and accepting of offers of sex with the sightest allusion or suggestion. I made my emotional reaction mean there was something wrong with me. I want to get really clear on something, I am a thirty six year old woman who is acutely aware and attuned to my emotional experiences through years of practice of trying to overcome addiction. I like and respect myself and I had just taken a class on sex and sexuality in my masters program that covered topics of sexism and mysogny and I still fell victim to the ideas about how I “should” be. Think of more impressionable young women who are struggling with self concepts of ‘not enough’ who fall victim to this kind of messaging and make decisions that might create lifelong damage. It hurts my heart just thinking about it. This goes for men as well. Ideas about how men should be and the messaging about sex and sexuality are disturbingly set up for failure no matter how a person identities sexually. Again, see Nagowski for a thorough analysis of this topic.  I was torn about whether I should respond or not. Hitting the delete button was an attractive option, just get it out of sight, out of mind, but this just didn’t feel right. I’m not one to get on a pedestal and preach, though I respect those who do. I honestly felt compassion for this handsome young man who, in my estimation was probably propping up his low self esteem with promises of nine inches of fun to every other woman on the dating site. I knew I had to say something so I went with my original intention, open, respectful, playful, light, genuine, and sincere with a touch of rebuff and a few helpful nuggets for improving his odds moving forward.  Hi Philip, I debated on sending you this, but here we are :) Your response, though I'm assuming was meant to be playful, felt disrespectful and presumptuous. I wouldn't expect you to know this due to the messed up mass media messages about what is attractive and what isn't, but most females will find that kind of response to be a turn off. I am open sexually, but I didn't invite that in any way. As a white, 6' 6" Christian male you have a lot of influence in our society and as a man of God, I'd expected something different. I'm 36 and have enough self-respect to know that who the 9 inches is attached to is more attractive than the 9 inches itself. Also, most women will tell you girth is a bigger factor when it comes to pleasure (no pun intended). I hope this curtails your current approach and gives you something to think about in your future endeavors. Good luck! I laughed a little to myself as Deep Down took hold of the reins and directed my fingers to do their work of taking a stand for love and respect. How did I become a person who uses dating websites as a platform for education on sexist behavior? I’m pretty sure I used to solicit this kind of attention. Feels good to be part of the solution instead of part of the problem. I guess I have grown up over the last two decades.