Patterns

Life is to be enjoyed. I don’t think it’s meant to be heavy or hard...I don’t agree with Coolio that “life's a bitch and then you die, still trying to get a piece of that apple pie” Mmmm apple pie. It’s unnecessary to create problems where there are none (my personal M.O. for the last 30 years).


Yes, I feel super tired and fatigued every day and I am not ‘successful’ in the way that my head would like me to be, but there’s nothing wrong with that. So what if I need coffee to feel good at this point in my life? What if I just accepted my patterns? Would they still persist?


I don’t know how to strike a balance. I get really high highs and create like crazy, I work out hard and I work hard and everything is great; there is lots of connection and laughter with my husband and my kiddo and the world seems amazing. There is magic and miracles and opportunities show up out of nowhere. I’m grateful, faithful, and content.


Then something happens. I wake up a little more fatigued one day, I notice I’m shorter with my pups than usual. I notice that the ego is back and running rampant. I start to sabotage and eat too much, I feel like shit so I eat more to fix it. I stop writing, I get more tired. I forget why I’m doing this, even more painful; I question why I’m doing it. I begin to push others away. I start to compare, I’m not present to all the good in my life. I start to hear myself talking (in my head) about how depressed I am. My tummy bloats from eating shit and stressing myself out to the point where I look pregnant, I get sad because I’ll never have the experience of being pregnant. Holy shit, I sound like a psycho.


I take a step back and I realize I have my own rhythm. I’ve been here before, it feels familiar. I’m used to this cycle, this is where I used to live all the time, this used to be home to me. I’ve been underwater, trying desperately to figure out how to get a breath of fresh air. I’m trying to fix it. I feel I should feel different. I’m judging everything, I’m afraid of everything, I’m isolating and tears are on the other side of an innocent comment from an innocent person that I twist into an opportunity to affirm that I’m not good enough or will never be successful or whatever shit story I have playing in the background. I feel sorry for myself, I can’t stand happy, successful people, I’m about to drown myself in my own tears.


I pause, I realize I’m already breathing. I remember it’s all in my head. I recognize the tension in my body. I notice that I’m terrified, but of nothing...I’m terrified of lies that are creating a false reality in my head. None of it is real. I relax into the fact that what I feel like is getting some damn coffee, I realize it’s okay to be human, I don’t have to be plugged into spirit all the time. There isn’t something wrong with me if I feel like doing things that my mind judges to be less than aligned with my highest self. Judging the feeling of what I want is out of alignment with my highest spiritual self and it keeps me stuck.


I give in, I let go. I get some coffee and I write again. I get so damn uncomfortable that I give up (thank goodness). I start to feel better, I create some magic in my life, then I sabotage and the cycle repeats. I will catch it sooner next time.